Choices

My story isn’t perfect or rare.  My story could be anyone’s story.  I have struggled and persevered.  I am learning and growing every single day.   Some days I feel exhausted and weighed down by emotions. Other days I feel like I can take on the universe.    

I’ve lived through regret, and in some ways I am still working through it every day.     I’ve struggled with perfectionism and laziness.    I’ve pondered my purpose and tried to find my way.   Today I feel more in charge of my life than I ever have.  

Growing up as a people-pleaser, I struggled so much between my feelings and desires, and making others happy.   I wanted to be whatever anyone needed. I spent years spreading myself too thin, and doing things I really didn’t want to do.   The anxiety I caused myself by trying to keep everyone happy was unbelievable, and I hid it well.   Nobody ever knew I wasn’t feeling it.   I would cry on my way to parties.  I would worry and stress every little detail to the point I couldn’t swallow water.  I would make plans just to cancel at the last minute.  Then feel so horrible for canceling, that I would still show up.   

One day, I said ‘no’, after being asked to go somewhere I didn’t want to go. I remember feeing so afraid to let that word come out of my mouth.   Instead of being met with anger like I was expecting, I was met with understanding and respect for the new boundary I had just set.    As exciting as that moment was, part of me still waited for the guilt to arrive.  When it didn’t I realized I had control of how I chose to spend my time.  

Slowly, I began setting boundaries with myself as well.  I had to learn to tell myself no as well.   Now I live by the philosophy that I can’t complain about anything I’m not willing to change.   Sometimes I fall back into the patterns of putting myself last.  I am clay being molded and shaped each day.   Chipping away at the thought processes, actions, and inactions I don’t like, so I can build a life that I enjoy.  

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