Grief…again..?

Grief, what an interesting emotion. We grieve in so many ways. And just when we thought we had processed and moved through it, grief sneaks up again.

Last weekend I went to a memorial for my (ex) father-in-law, who passed away last year. I was so shocked and heartbroken when I heard of his passing. I allowed myself to feel the sadness at that time and felt like I had worked through the emotions.

Driving up to the memorial service I was filled with a heaviness, and nervousness I didn’t fully expect or mentally prepare for. I hadn’t seen my ex’s family in 15 years. I didn’t know what to expect, but I needed to pay my respects to the man who was my father-in-law for 12 years.

They all greeted me warmly and thanked me for coming. I could barely speak without crying. Crying at the sadness of their loss, the loss of a great man, and the sadness at seeing them all again and feeling so much love for them. My heart was grieving with the family. I feel like I was also holding a deep sadness I didn’t realize was there. I didn’t know until I had seen them all, that I needed to see them and hear their voices again. I missed them.

I felt relieved that the past was behind us and I was being treated kindly. I didn’t go to the dinner after the memorial. I wasn’t sure I could emotionally handle it all.

I didn’t realize I had suppressed a lot of my emotions surrounding my divorce and losing a whole family. In the days following the memorial service my heart ached. I was flooded with memories of my time with their family. All the ups and downs, and the love. I was grieving losing them all over again. It hurt. Being more aware and trying to give myself space and permission to feel all the emotions I was feeling was difficult but so necessary. It felt strange sharing my emotions with my partner and being given space to work through them. I guess I expected him to treat me like I shouldn’t feel how I was feeling. I am so grateful he didn’t do that.

In grieving I found myself thinking about having the conversation to bring closure and a new chapter of release into my life and the life of my ex-husband and family. I hadn’t thought about having a conversation with him in many years. I used to picture myself calling him and asking him out to lunch so we could talk. Those imaginary conversations always ended the same way as our last convo, with both of us upset and not resolving anything. The conversations I imagine now end with a smile and wish for the best for one another. I hope one day we may get that chance.

For now I will continue to be open to feeling g my emotions and allowing them space to process. The only way to grow is to move through the discomfort and apply the lessons learned, so I can keep doing better in the future.

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