Emotions

The hardest thing for me was dealing with my emotions alone and trying to keep a normal progression of life.  I wanted to run away.  I couldn’t talk to the man I was heartbroken over.  I couldn’t talk to the man I was sharing my life with.  Family and friends didn’t understand what I was going through so even though they gave advice I had to navigate each day feeling so alone. 

I missed him so much.  I missed our connection, our friendship and our love.   It was so hard to go each day without talking to him.  Without sharing the little things of everyday life.   

I would be so sad … sad doesn’t even describe it.. it was saudade.    I would be so heavy with heartache that coming home to my son was difficult.  I wanted to cry until i couldn’t cry anymore.  I wanted to scream until I had no voice.  I wanted to kick the heartache out of my body. I wanted to make my soul feel peace again.    And I had to learn how to navigate from deeply heartbroken to mom, partner, daughter, sister, friend mode every single day. 

To make it even harder, I would dream about him and we were living a happy life together in my dreams.  Then, I would wake up alone in bed, living this life without him and my heart would break all over again.  

Yes, part of me had chosen to live life without him. I thought it was for the better for him.  I had already caused so much damage in his life by just being together that I didn’t want to pop up and mess up anything good he may have had going on.   So I stayed away, living a life that I loved and despised at the same time, wishing one day something would change and I could be with him again.   We would talk once in a while but months, even years would pass between conversations.  But nothing changed.  He moved on and I had to learn how to let go.   

I journaled, I wrote poems, or little memories of us.  It helped in some ways.   I started being deeply honest with myself and learning who I am on a deeper level.   I began meditation and learned how to process the parts of my emotions that were disowned and taught to be something else.   It was a rough journey.  I became more emotional some days and others I felt like the heartache was truly gone.   

It’s been 10 years and there are still times I think about him or hear his name and my heart flutters, and a smile comes to my face.  I know “we” will probably never be, but at this point I’ve learned to love the memories without them hurting as much or making me long for something I never really had.  

——————-

Every time I miss you I remind myself to smile

Even though it hurts to live without you, 

At least I had the chance to love you. 

~Roxy

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