Rivers of Memories

Memory… is the diary that we all carry about with us. ~Oscar Wilde, “The Importance of Being Earnest”

Memories are beautiful things. The memories we tend to actively remember are usually the happy ones. Wedding anniversaries, birth days, career milestones. There are events that we try to “get over” too; the loss of a loved one, a break up, getting fired. Big life events leave an imprint on our lives whether they are happy or sad.

Sometimes the feelings sneak up on us unexpectedly and we suddenly feel down for a few days only to remember the date is one where we lost someone we loved, or suffered a broken heart. But what about the moments like falling in love. Those moments still replay in our soul year after year too.

I have heard this called anniversary grief or seasonal grief; memories and emotions that appear close to the anniversary of a life changing event. How do we heal when emotions seemingly sneak up without warning? I have found that being open to the emotion and not beating myself up for not being “over it” has been the most productive way to handle the emotions I feel at different times during the year.

For me, seasonal grief begins in late-summer to early-fall. I begin missing a lover I had. We connected on such a different level that it’s easy to miss what we had all year long. But in the fall, when our relationship started to blossom, I miss the connection, the newness and the love we shared. I begin to feel like I am missing something by not sharing life with him today. I also feel joy at the memories we made together and thankfulness for the time we shared.

In winter my feelings move to grief. Between the months of January, February and May I have lost many close family members. In 1997 I lost both my maternal grandparents and a cousin. In 2003 I lost my birth-father and another cousin. In 2013 lost an aunt who I spent so much of my life with, that we understood each other without even speaking.

We’ve all lost someone who meant something to our lives. We’ve all had to learn how to heal a broken heart. And we’ve all had excitement and joy that is too big for words. That is life. Life ebbs and flows like a river. Sometimes the river flows fast, roughly etching new banks as it flows. Other times you can’t even tell if the river is moving at all.

In these moments of emotion and memory, remember it is ok to ride the river. Feel the emotion. It may feel hard, and believe me sometimes it is, but you will heal more when you allow yourself to feel. Feel the love, feel the joy, feel the excitement and feel the pain. There is no shame in reflection and healing. You know yourself better than anyone else. Love yourself and give yourself the time that you need, wherever you need it. Celebrate the milestones and grieve the losses. It is all part of your story and there is no right or wrong way to remember your memories.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years