Insecurity – What’s Going on Inside of Me

I started this post, and it startled me with the direction it took. As I was reading and typing it, I realized how drastically my life had changed from one relationship. I’m not saying I was totally oblivious to the changes, but like a slowly leaking faucet I began to ignore the signs of a bigger issue. That caused me to become insecure and lacking trust in the relationship I was holding so tightly to.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back at things in my life there are plenty of times I wish I could change. But I know that the struggle was put there to help me grow. Yes, I am still working on my mind and healing day by day. I can only hope that if faced with the same situation, I don’t loose sight of myself again.

I am so happy with where I am today, within myself and in how I approach situations with others. The things I have gone through, the changes in the situation I write about below were eye opening and a catalyst for the desire to share my story. Without God and my family, I don’t know what state of mind I would be in. I am abundantly thankful for the life I live today and continue to make positive strides to heal and grow.

If you find yourself in a situation where you feel lost, insecure, or stuck, just remember every day is a chance to grow and be better. Even one little change toward positive solutions, is a step in the direction of self-healing and emotional freedom.

Life is a school where you learn how to remember what your soul already knows. ~Author Unknown

I went through a terrible time of insecurity several years ago. I was embarrassed to tell anyone how much I had changed inside.  I felt like I lost myself. The relationship I was in had so many drastic changes that emotionally I began to spiral out  of control.

I became the girl who called repeatedly until he answered. I would stay awake all night waiting for him to come home. I would worry that he would not come back, every time he left the house. I was having anxiety and panic attacks, where I would wake up with my heart pounding. I was not heeding the red-flags. I kept giving him chance after chance, to show me that he wanted our relationship. However, ending the relationship didn’t feel like an option at the time.

I was in a very vulnerable stage of life, newly divorced, and instead of taking time to be alone, I ended up in a relationship  with someone who at first was attentive and affectionate. As time went on it seemed he could not see beyond himself to recognize the wake of destruction he was leaving behind.

He was living a life of drug addiction and would lie constantly to cover up what he was doing. When I learned the truth, I was heartbroken, but  still felt like he would change for our  relationship. When he would stay home and not use, life felt good. We got along well and enjoyed each other’s company. When he was using though, life felt tense and dark. I began to build emotional walls to protect myself, because I felt that expressing myself went without notice. I stopped sharing life with him and when I would open my mouth to speak to him, my words were filled with anger and frustration. It came to a point where I couldn’t even talk, because I knew I would just end up screaming and crying, and feeling crazy and empty for it.

I found myself always trying to make things comfortable for him at home. Keeping the temperature at a certain setting, opening or closing the blinds depending on his mood, keeping the house quiet or even leaving so he could rest when he returned. I couldn’t understand why I was trapping myself this way.

One day I decided, I could no longer be emotionally affected by him. I was dimming my shine and couldn’t keep things inside any longer.

What was going on inside of me was a denial of my truest self. I knew I was not being ME. I was no longer confident and passionate about things in life. I didn’t want to make plans or hope for a future because I didn’t want that with him.

I was emotionally insecure and it was affecting many areas of my life. As I came to this realization, I knew only I could turn this around. I began doing things I loved again and keeping my home how I felt comfortable. I began tearing down the walls inside me, one brick at a time.

Insecurity freaked me out, but it was not going to define me. Every day I am making a conscious decision to continue healing myself; to live the joy I know is inside me, and to be a positive example for my son, so that he will grow into a man who respects, and loves himself, and the woman he chooses to share his life with.

Every day is a choice and today I chose emotional peace.