Grief

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.  ~William Shakespeare

What can be said about grief. It is unexplainable because, it is a different experience for each individual.
In 2003 I lost my dad, unexpectedly, to a car accident. He hit something head on and died instantly. We had not had a consistent relationship most of my life and had only began to mend things 2 years prior. I felt saddened and shocked by his death. I was in the middle of planning my wedding and the last time we spoke, 2 days before he died, we were trying to decide what song we would dance to and what color tux he would wear. In the weeks leading up to his death, I had recurring dreams that me, my sister and mom were killed in car accidents. I tried not to fixate on it, but looking back I know my intuition was trying to prepare me for what was to come.
I remember feeling so numb and confused for days after finding out. I  flew to Los Angeles from Texas several days after, to attend his funeral. It was all surreal. I was around family I hadn’t seen in years and trying to coordinate with his wife, as to when my sister and I could go to see him before being cremated.

I had to see him in person to know it was really him. There was part of me that kept expecting him to walk in the door at my grandma’s house and laugh at all of us for believing that he was gone … it didn’t happen. When I seen his body lying there lifeless, all I could do was sob. I ran out of the room, still not wanting to believe he was laying there. My Dad, the other half that created me no longer existed in the physical world.  It was earth shattering.

When I returned to Texas, I tried to go back to life as normal; working and going to college. Shortly after I returned, I began having panic attacks in my sleep and while driving.  I couldn’t make it to school because I had to drive on a 2 lane highway for 40 miles. I kept thinking about how my dad died in a car accident and would go into a panic and have to pull over, turn around, and go back home.  I withdrew from school and went to working as few shifts as possible at work. After several nights of panic attacks and days of forgetting what I was doing a few seconds after having the thought, I sought help from my doctor. I was hoping to get a pill to help me sleep. Instead, she referred me to counseling. This was the best thing that could have happened. I was able to gain tools that helped me process through my grief.

Last week I was in California visiting my sister. One morning, as we were driving, I seen a poster board on a corner with “I Miss You Daddy” on it. I cried all the way to her job. It felt like a wound had reopened. I couldn’t put to words what was going on inside of me, just that I felt incredible sadness at seeing that sign. I had a meditation class a few weeks before, where my dad’s presence showed up so strongly that I couldn’t even talk. I was flooded with joy and sadness all at once. I feel like these two moments have shown me that I will still feel moments of deep grief at the loss of my Dad, no matter how many  years pass.

Last weekend, my boyfriend lost his dad, and the deep grief I had been feeling came flooding in again. I am heartbroken for him. I know the pain and confusion he is feeling, but also don’t …. because we each feel grief in our own way. I can only hope that I am able to give him the support he needs.
Death  is part of life, however, it never gets easier.

My hope today is that anyone who is grieving a loss will be comforted and will be able to process through it all in the ways they need.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Me and my sister with our dad 1985 or ’86