Him

I wish I would have told him at the time how much I loved him.  I wish I would have called him all the times I was thinking about him and missing him. I worried too  much about disrupting his life, and in turn broke both our hearts.
My soul longed to be with him, my heart hurt so deeply I knew it was literally broken.  It has taken me so long to heal the hurt I caused myself by leaving him.

My life shouldn’t have moved on without him, but it did — painfully, move on.  Because that’s what I did.  I moved through life trying to numb the pain and put on a mask to appear ok.
Nobody really knew how deeply I was hurting at the time.  I would try to talk about it but the words wouldn’t come out.
It took me several years to even feel like I could articulate how much I missed him, to my family.  There was such a stigma around our relationship that I felt like a disappointment to my entire family.

Because people don’t talk about the pain of heartbreak, I felt I was going crazy.  I had to be loosing my mind.  Why couldn’t I just let go and move on?    But I couldn’t.  My heart, soul and mind could not let him go.   I thought about him from the moment I woke up, until I fell asleep.  Sometimes he would appear in my dreams, and we were living a joyous life together.  This made the pain even worse because I was waking up to a different reality that didn’t include him.

In the past few years we’ve been able to talk and I feel that our conversations have helped me heal.   I still think about him often and at times miss him badly.  The pain has healed but the memories will always be part of me.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa

8/28/18